ME:  in spite of the failures and pain... we've been through some real life and here I am at this table and I look over and maria an ben are there
and all day long he's been wathcing josiah videos on the ipod and asking questions about God and heaven
and life
and I'm like.. you're five

FRIEND: HES YOUR SON

ME: and I'm just so thankful that we're here
and not divorced or dead
or whatever...

FRIEND:  your an atchison

ME:  that in spite of it all... he's a good God
he's a good God

FRIEND: atchisons survive hell
you told us that

ME:  and he loves us... me... so much

FRIEND:  yeah he does
dude, he loves ME .. like .. . i have so much malice
and so much hate
and i dont want to
im just being real
and he still loves me,
shows me compassion

ME:  grace

FRIEND:  for sure

ME:  what a word

FRIEND:  heres what ive always believed
and excuse me if this is a carbon copy from the book of passion called jesus freaks book of martyrs featuring some christian band called DC TALK
anyways ...
if all you have is passion
at least you have something
AND
if you cant feel it
fake it till you do
i know its blah blah
but juan told me that once
and i heard it a million times
i might be crying and pissed and whatever at the moment
but if i suck it up and even fake for a moment that i love god, i begin to remember that i TRULY love him
i know its elementary and lol doesnt make much sense
but .. yeah
btw i need spelling lessons
ha...

ME:  it's IM... who cares about spelling
yeah...
good stuff
the thing is...
I don't think it's faking it
I really don't
faking it is for the sake of others
to impress
being faithful is... no matter how I feel

FRIEND:  THANK YOU

ME:  I'm going to do my best to hang on
and somewhere... somewhere even though doubt seems bigger than my puny faith
whatever that is
that God is true
and real
and even though I've been pissed... at him
he's still God
and I don't get all this but...
what else have I got
and that may sound trite
and it may sound naive
but it is what it is

FRIEND:  IT IS WHAT IT IS

ME:  it's like the disciples when Jesus says... are you gonna leave me too
and they say
but Master...
where would we go?

FRIEND:  im crying
dude ..

ME:  where would we go?

FRIEND:  i forgot about that

ME:  God how I've felt that for years
like... wanting to turn away
wanting to leave God
wanting to give him the finger and walk away
...
but where would we go?
he's such a good God